It's Midsummer's Day, and the Trailer Park Elves are having friends in from all over! From California come Oddball and his motorcycle-riding seal people. From Pittsburgh comes Big Joe and the Iron Eaters, dwarves riding a trackless locomotive. And from Texas comes Travis Alamo Sam Houston and his buddy Earl, both Texas Bullmen! (They don't like the term 'minotaur.' Makes 'em sound Greek.)
The festivities are spied upon by mercenaries, who are easily run off. Buck, it appears, is now a demon in Buck's shape; he's working for Nicodemus, boss of the largest faction of Knights of the Blackened Denarius, with whom we began this season. We fight some of them, including the scorpion-themed one, Reynaldo the charming serpent-themed one, Dierdre, and Tessa. But Nicodemus introduces himself ("Children ... .I'm a bad, baad man.") and then watches our reactions as the fight unfolds. Chuck uses the Sword of the Cross, which blazes bright as noon, to wash away Nicodemus' shadow powers. Nicodemus nods, having seen what he came for, and escapes through shadow.
Ilrondelia the elf queen stops time so Jeb can really get his tank on. The final version is definitely cooler than Big Joe's Iron Train, and that was seriously cool.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Episode 25: Dark Ages
Radio communication fails all over the GSMA(1). A classified ad says to sell your unwanted TVs, computers, etc. or suffer dire consequences. The two phenomena seem to be related.
Jeb sets up a meeting with the guy who wants very badly to buy machinery. But since he won't meet until nightfall, the Junior Deputies swing by the Enchanted Forest trailer park, which Jeb has always been suspicious of.
There, they meet Ilrondelia the Magnificent, Queen of the Elves. Behind a wizardly Veil which hides the Elves (and painfully shocks Andrew, and the freshmen, whenever they cross it), she lives in a trailer, watching daytime television and enjoying chocolate-covered snack cakes. She reveals to Andrew many useful things about being a wizard, and asks, in return, for a blue Toyota. She also invites Rowena to the Midsummer's Day feast, provided Rowena offers the loaf of turkey, the dressing of ranch, and other needful items. Darla, a young Elf girl, makes signs just outside Ilrondelia's field of vision to keep Andrew, Rowena or Jeb from getting themselves in trouble.
And there are elephants wandering around. Milton makes friends with the wrong one, who starts to stuff him into a tire, but the other elephant rescues him. Milton decides to call the nice one Shep.
Deputy Tim shows up, worried. We've dropped right off the GPS for a couple of hours. That Elf Veil is some hot stuff.
A robot tank trundles up, demanding metal. Milton pops the hood and breaks some of the glass gears, grinding it to a halt. Then Jeb takes out his multitool and puts it back together, commanding it to obey him. It's not an Army tank with a cannon, but a robot tank with a claw-arm and a .. well, it's like a cannon. More of a railgun.
The tank returns along its obvious tracks to a part of the woods where many, many machines have been piled up into a huge tower topped with mechanical spider-arms, which is busily assembling enormous wheels and engines. Seems Blokhin, the mad dwarf, has aspirations to use the Hellmouth as a power source for his steam turbines. He plans to put the city of Sparta on treads and drive it around, to what ultimate end none can say. Because Blokhin loses control of his salamanders (2) to Andrew, gets set on fire, flees using a jetpack, and eventually blows up.
The flames from Blokhin's explosion rain down on the forest, setting several fires. Andrew commands the water of Dollar Lake to turn into mist, and roll over the fires, quenching them. This works, but it leaves Andrew badly dehydrated. Clearly there's more to learn if he wants to do more than one wizard stunt a month, followed by intensive care.
Jeb recovers his hammer, made of compressed fire. Jeb figures the hammer can boil water pretty much endlessly, creating a free source of steam power. And a supervillain is born!
Meanwhile, they tell Milton he can see his faerie nature by dipping a finger in Grail water. He does. The finger comes out coal-black with a pearlescent nail. Bob eagerly concludes that Milton is a Svartalf, known for their rages, lightning speed, and powers of enchantment.
1 Greater Sparta Metropolitan Area
2 Fire elementals
Jeb sets up a meeting with the guy who wants very badly to buy machinery. But since he won't meet until nightfall, the Junior Deputies swing by the Enchanted Forest trailer park, which Jeb has always been suspicious of.
There, they meet Ilrondelia the Magnificent, Queen of the Elves. Behind a wizardly Veil which hides the Elves (and painfully shocks Andrew, and the freshmen, whenever they cross it), she lives in a trailer, watching daytime television and enjoying chocolate-covered snack cakes. She reveals to Andrew many useful things about being a wizard, and asks, in return, for a blue Toyota. She also invites Rowena to the Midsummer's Day feast, provided Rowena offers the loaf of turkey, the dressing of ranch, and other needful items. Darla, a young Elf girl, makes signs just outside Ilrondelia's field of vision to keep Andrew, Rowena or Jeb from getting themselves in trouble.
And there are elephants wandering around. Milton makes friends with the wrong one, who starts to stuff him into a tire, but the other elephant rescues him. Milton decides to call the nice one Shep.
Deputy Tim shows up, worried. We've dropped right off the GPS for a couple of hours. That Elf Veil is some hot stuff.
A robot tank trundles up, demanding metal. Milton pops the hood and breaks some of the glass gears, grinding it to a halt. Then Jeb takes out his multitool and puts it back together, commanding it to obey him. It's not an Army tank with a cannon, but a robot tank with a claw-arm and a .. well, it's like a cannon. More of a railgun.
The tank returns along its obvious tracks to a part of the woods where many, many machines have been piled up into a huge tower topped with mechanical spider-arms, which is busily assembling enormous wheels and engines. Seems Blokhin, the mad dwarf, has aspirations to use the Hellmouth as a power source for his steam turbines. He plans to put the city of Sparta on treads and drive it around, to what ultimate end none can say. Because Blokhin loses control of his salamanders (2) to Andrew, gets set on fire, flees using a jetpack, and eventually blows up.
The flames from Blokhin's explosion rain down on the forest, setting several fires. Andrew commands the water of Dollar Lake to turn into mist, and roll over the fires, quenching them. This works, but it leaves Andrew badly dehydrated. Clearly there's more to learn if he wants to do more than one wizard stunt a month, followed by intensive care.
Jeb recovers his hammer, made of compressed fire. Jeb figures the hammer can boil water pretty much endlessly, creating a free source of steam power. And a supervillain is born!
Meanwhile, they tell Milton he can see his faerie nature by dipping a finger in Grail water. He does. The finger comes out coal-black with a pearlescent nail. Bob eagerly concludes that Milton is a Svartalf, known for their rages, lightning speed, and powers of enchantment.
1 Greater Sparta Metropolitan Area
2 Fire elementals
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Episode 24: Lots More Redcaps
So the redcaps try to get their stolen guy back. This time they don't create a monster as bait, they just move into an abandoned cellophane factory and start bringing in faerie hit men. One reason, Bob suggests, is that they're Winter, and this is the first week of June, so they're weaker than usual. But if they bring enough fists, it won't matter.
Andrew throws firecrackers into the factory, as one does. This creates a standoff; the faeries don't want to come out, and we certainly don't want to go in. Andrew goes up a smokestack and shouts wizardly threats through it, which they totally believe. They shift all their efforts to killing the wizard. That actually makes it a lot easier for the non-wizards among us, so thanks, Andrew!
Chuck draws a circle around the factory. They shoot some arrows at him, but only as part of an arms-length bargaining duel with Andrew. They also try to stab Andrew with a stealthy faerie, then send a huge, patient reptile named Old Guy to go up the smokestack and get him. Andrew wisely withdraws.
Jack o'the Green, leader of the rescue party, negotiates with Rowena. Throwing embroidered silk ransom notes back and forth, they eventually work out a deal. Rowena will give them the redcap she captured. Jack owes her two favors, to be collected by her turning a silver ring with an emerald, which he provides. He need not grant the second favor if the first one kills him. They will swear not to kill any of us, unless we attack them or trespass on their domain, which in our universe is the abandoned cellophane factory.
As we do not seem to know the rules, Jack's minions are unsure whether they can trust the deal. Jack asks the freshmen (Lana, Jeb, and Milton) if any of them will agree to Choose. They are half-fey, he says, as anyone can see. If they Choose, they become all-fey, or all-human. But if all-fey, then the faeries can trust them. Of course, they have to choose Summer or Winter, in that case, or else be an enemy of all faeriekind. Wyldfae, as they're known, don't live very long. And there isn't any other choice than Summer, Winter, or nothing ... is there?
Deal done, they then cannot return to the Nevernever without Chuck opening the circle. He agrees to do so, which almost necessitates a second round of negotiations. In acknowledgment of Rowena returning his mirror-bright sword, the captive Redcap grants her a boon. Turns out he's the Winter Knight, the enforcer of the Winter Court, and we could have bargained for way more favors, but we never asked and Jack didn't volunteer the information.
Jack departs, instructing Old Guy to find Andrew and provoke him. We're not sure what'll come of that.
As we are withdrawing from the Faerie Realm on Earth (until July 1, when they don't pay their property tax assessment and it reverts to the county), a small green gnome with enormous yellow eyes begs, "Take me with you!" When we seem hesitant, he brandishes a chain of weasel skulls and says "Weeeeeasel magic," enticingly. But strangely, no one is tempted, despite his increasingly desperate whines of "weeeeasel magic! Weeeeasel!"
Someone suggests using Grail Water to heal Jeb's ear, which has grown back looking like a leathery lump. Instead, the water turns part of his cheek into leathery, tough, fireproof dwarf hide. Bob concludes he must be half-dwarf, and congratulates Jeb on getting one of the few faerie species that don't have iron-sickness. Should he choose to wash in Grail Water, or just turn three times widdershins saying "I am what I choose," he could be a full Dwarf! Hey hey!
Jeb does not do so at this time.
Lana dips the tip of one finger in the water. The finger turns pale, and the nail becomes long and sharp. Bob concludes she's either a Sidhe (the magic-using nobility of the Nevernever), a Bane Sidhe (the scary immortals who can kill you with their voice) or a Svartalfar, the secret, lightning-quick skulkers in the shadows. High Elf, Doom Elf or Ninja, he summarizes. But you don't get to pick.
Andrew tries to use his mind to set a match alight. The entire match explodes! He tries cupping wind in his hand and gets a pop! noise like he'd crushed a paper bag, but without using a bag. That'll save on paper bags, and may have other uses.
Andrew throws firecrackers into the factory, as one does. This creates a standoff; the faeries don't want to come out, and we certainly don't want to go in. Andrew goes up a smokestack and shouts wizardly threats through it, which they totally believe. They shift all their efforts to killing the wizard. That actually makes it a lot easier for the non-wizards among us, so thanks, Andrew!
Chuck draws a circle around the factory. They shoot some arrows at him, but only as part of an arms-length bargaining duel with Andrew. They also try to stab Andrew with a stealthy faerie, then send a huge, patient reptile named Old Guy to go up the smokestack and get him. Andrew wisely withdraws.
Jack o'the Green, leader of the rescue party, negotiates with Rowena. Throwing embroidered silk ransom notes back and forth, they eventually work out a deal. Rowena will give them the redcap she captured. Jack owes her two favors, to be collected by her turning a silver ring with an emerald, which he provides. He need not grant the second favor if the first one kills him. They will swear not to kill any of us, unless we attack them or trespass on their domain, which in our universe is the abandoned cellophane factory.
As we do not seem to know the rules, Jack's minions are unsure whether they can trust the deal. Jack asks the freshmen (Lana, Jeb, and Milton) if any of them will agree to Choose. They are half-fey, he says, as anyone can see. If they Choose, they become all-fey, or all-human. But if all-fey, then the faeries can trust them. Of course, they have to choose Summer or Winter, in that case, or else be an enemy of all faeriekind. Wyldfae, as they're known, don't live very long. And there isn't any other choice than Summer, Winter, or nothing ... is there?
Deal done, they then cannot return to the Nevernever without Chuck opening the circle. He agrees to do so, which almost necessitates a second round of negotiations. In acknowledgment of Rowena returning his mirror-bright sword, the captive Redcap grants her a boon. Turns out he's the Winter Knight, the enforcer of the Winter Court, and we could have bargained for way more favors, but we never asked and Jack didn't volunteer the information.
Jack departs, instructing Old Guy to find Andrew and provoke him. We're not sure what'll come of that.
As we are withdrawing from the Faerie Realm on Earth (until July 1, when they don't pay their property tax assessment and it reverts to the county), a small green gnome with enormous yellow eyes begs, "Take me with you!" When we seem hesitant, he brandishes a chain of weasel skulls and says "Weeeeeasel magic," enticingly. But strangely, no one is tempted, despite his increasingly desperate whines of "weeeeasel magic! Weeeeasel!"
Someone suggests using Grail Water to heal Jeb's ear, which has grown back looking like a leathery lump. Instead, the water turns part of his cheek into leathery, tough, fireproof dwarf hide. Bob concludes he must be half-dwarf, and congratulates Jeb on getting one of the few faerie species that don't have iron-sickness. Should he choose to wash in Grail Water, or just turn three times widdershins saying "I am what I choose," he could be a full Dwarf! Hey hey!
Jeb does not do so at this time.
Lana dips the tip of one finger in the water. The finger turns pale, and the nail becomes long and sharp. Bob concludes she's either a Sidhe (the magic-using nobility of the Nevernever), a Bane Sidhe (the scary immortals who can kill you with their voice) or a Svartalfar, the secret, lightning-quick skulkers in the shadows. High Elf, Doom Elf or Ninja, he summarizes. But you don't get to pick.
Andrew tries to use his mind to set a match alight. The entire match explodes! He tries cupping wind in his hand and gets a pop! noise like he'd crushed a paper bag, but without using a bag. That'll save on paper bags, and may have other uses.
Episode 23: Red Caps and Iron Shoes
Two faeries come into town seeking the Autumn Knight: a redcap and a fellow named Iron Shoes, who has iron shoes he's quite proud of. They create a rawhead to lure the Autumn Knight in, but all they get are the Spartans.
After accusing everyone of being the Autumn Knight, the Redcap fences with Rowena, and is coming close to beating her. So Jeb runs him over with a pickup truck, called in fencing la grande forde. He wasn't ready for that one.
Iron Shoes, meanwhile, tries to stomp Andrew and partially succeeds. Chuck clamps jumper cables on his iron shoes, which doesn't feel good at all. Andrew steals his iron antlers (but Iron Antlers doesn't sound as cool), and Chuck shocks him some more. Iron Shoes burns out and lies still.
Then arrives the Autumn Knight, also known as the King Under the Mountain. He takes Iron Shoes away (but leaves the shoes, which Jeb nabs) after gazing at everyone through his crystal ball. He's a sharing sort, and lets us look through the ball, too. Jeb looks like a fire-scorched anvil; Lana looks like a pair of staring blue eyes. Andrew looks like a pair of green eyes filled with flame (sort of a compromise) and Buck, well, whatever he looks like fills Lana with such terror that she can't clearly remember it afterwards. So there's that to look forward to.
After accusing everyone of being the Autumn Knight, the Redcap fences with Rowena, and is coming close to beating her. So Jeb runs him over with a pickup truck, called in fencing la grande forde. He wasn't ready for that one.
Iron Shoes, meanwhile, tries to stomp Andrew and partially succeeds. Chuck clamps jumper cables on his iron shoes, which doesn't feel good at all. Andrew steals his iron antlers (but Iron Antlers doesn't sound as cool), and Chuck shocks him some more. Iron Shoes burns out and lies still.
Then arrives the Autumn Knight, also known as the King Under the Mountain. He takes Iron Shoes away (but leaves the shoes, which Jeb nabs) after gazing at everyone through his crystal ball. He's a sharing sort, and lets us look through the ball, too. Jeb looks like a fire-scorched anvil; Lana looks like a pair of staring blue eyes. Andrew looks like a pair of green eyes filled with flame (sort of a compromise) and Buck, well, whatever he looks like fills Lana with such terror that she can't clearly remember it afterwards. So there's that to look forward to.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Episode 22: Dungeons and No Dragons
The Denarians want a cup from the dragon's cave. So Chuck suggests we go there first and get the cup, so the Denarians won't tear up the city looking for it.
There is, in fact, no dragon present. There are some goblins, burglaring everything they can carry. There's also a rawhead, a conglomeration of bloody bones that somehow woke up. It eats people and adds them to itself.
The rawhead hates sunlight, but it can't be baited out into the light. Rowena slashes at it, but it can stick its severed parts back on again. Chuck lassos its spine, then ties the other end to a massive rock and pushes it off the hill. The rawhead gets yanked hard around two tight corners, coming to pieces explosively.
The dragon's hoard is well-organized by type of coin. Chuck grabs at a pile of silver coins and hears a mocking demon in his head. Yep -- they left one of the Coins on the pile as sort of a booby trap.
"It's more of an alarm, really," says a girl who wanders in. She's DeeDee, one of the Coin-bearers. They want the cup, and we can have the treasure. Oh, and they won't kill us.
DeeDee demonstrates that her hair is made of flat razor wire by flaying a goblin who gets in her way.
However, Rowena has suggested pouring water from the cup onto the Coin in Chuck's hand. If the cup is indeed the Holy Grail, that should discomfit the demon quite nicely. It screams, a lot, and DeeDee realizes we have a way to destroy demons. So she runs away. Milton gives chase, but she eludes him by placing a foot wrong and falling off the mountain into the river.
Andrew steals a suit of diamond chainmail which almost fits. No one else takes anything, except the cup, for which they leave a note.
As twilight gathers, they row to the center of Dollar Lake, and return the cup to Mr. Castle, the wounded veteran who lives there. The Denarians are thwarted ... except for the Blackhawk helicopter which keeps circling the town, searching ...
There is, in fact, no dragon present. There are some goblins, burglaring everything they can carry. There's also a rawhead, a conglomeration of bloody bones that somehow woke up. It eats people and adds them to itself.
The rawhead hates sunlight, but it can't be baited out into the light. Rowena slashes at it, but it can stick its severed parts back on again. Chuck lassos its spine, then ties the other end to a massive rock and pushes it off the hill. The rawhead gets yanked hard around two tight corners, coming to pieces explosively.
The dragon's hoard is well-organized by type of coin. Chuck grabs at a pile of silver coins and hears a mocking demon in his head. Yep -- they left one of the Coins on the pile as sort of a booby trap.
"It's more of an alarm, really," says a girl who wanders in. She's DeeDee, one of the Coin-bearers. They want the cup, and we can have the treasure. Oh, and they won't kill us.
DeeDee demonstrates that her hair is made of flat razor wire by flaying a goblin who gets in her way.
However, Rowena has suggested pouring water from the cup onto the Coin in Chuck's hand. If the cup is indeed the Holy Grail, that should discomfit the demon quite nicely. It screams, a lot, and DeeDee realizes we have a way to destroy demons. So she runs away. Milton gives chase, but she eludes him by placing a foot wrong and falling off the mountain into the river.
Andrew steals a suit of diamond chainmail which almost fits. No one else takes anything, except the cup, for which they leave a note.
As twilight gathers, they row to the center of Dollar Lake, and return the cup to Mr. Castle, the wounded veteran who lives there. The Denarians are thwarted ... except for the Blackhawk helicopter which keeps circling the town, searching ...
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Hell's Employment Lawyer
MrN. Nomen, upon being told by his receptionist that the deputies are here, dives out his window. He runs off down the street, hotly pursued by Chuck and Rowena, with Lana close behind. Jeb gets his truck, which is way faster, and Tim pelts along behind, having paused to line up a shot but having been unable to take it because of the bystanders.
Nomen is tackled by Chuck on his doorstep, but throws him off with maniacal force. He rushes up to his bedroom on the secondfloor of his Pistolville house. Chuck busts down the bedroom door, which explodes in his face in a rush of wind and a thunderclap of noise. It's not a bomb, which is often compared to indoor thunder; it's an actual thunderclap with a massive blast of wind.
Chuck and Rowena are thrown into the other side of the house. Nomen shouts "ignificas!" and throws fire at Chuck, who is slightly set on fire but gets it put out. Nomen then animates the wiring in the walls and has it curl towards Chuck and Rowena, sparking eagerly. The magic words for this are "incarnis copore cupricum," in case that ever comes in handy around the house.
Chuck and Rowena get up on a chair. Chuck throws some ink on the wires, which make an inky puff of smoke. But then, Tim calls "fire in the hole" from below and throws a flashbang into Nomen's room. Nomen is stunned, but Chuck and Rowena aren't, and rush him.
Meanwhile, Lana has located Nomen's office on the first floor and is covering the back exit. A shed bursts open and four more bald guys with sewn-shut eyes rush into the house. Or rather, they try to. Lana slams the door in their faces and locks it; they hammer with their fists and shoulders. That should hold them a while. Lana looks around for weapons; their new freshman friend Milton has armed himself with a fireplace poker and shovel, but Lana spots a samurai sword. She scoops that up.
Chuck topples over a bookcase onto the stunned Nomen. The skull on the bookcase says, "Whoa! Watch out for the skull, fella!" which is odd behavior for a skull. Nomen is stunned, but bursts up from the bookcase, green eyes glowing on his forehead. He has begun to transform into a stubby-legged bearish demon form.
Chuck therefore drags over an even bigger bookcase and drops it on Nomen! By the time he's torn his way out of this new obstruction, Nomen has fully transformed into a demonic bear with curving golden claws. The demon yells at Nomen, telling him what to do, but Nomen's out of it. The demon snarls and declares its intention to deal with this himself, and punish Nomen for his slackness later.
Jeb shows up, having built a gasoline-powered flame thrower. Yes, I know that's a bad idea. He hoses Nomen with flames, getting right up in his face. The demon howls, badly burned, but swipes the side of Jeb's head. A whole ear comes off. Jeb hangs on grimly, roasting the demon from the neck down.
Rowena slashes the demon, and Tim shoots it, but it won't go down. Chuck pokes its burning green eye, which really ticks it off, then Chuck wraps Jeb's head in gauze. Jeb ain't runnin'. He does rush downstairs, but that's not runnin' away, that's attackin' somewhere else. Dammit.
The bald guys have broken in! Lana swipes at one guy's head, taking it clean off his shoulders. The sword gleams with silver light, washing away all the shadows and making the bad guys blink, even though they have no eyes. It's really quite beautiful.
Milton pokes another guy in the forehead, where Nomen's green glowing eye resides. Nomen, upstairs, howls. He felt that!
The skull, lying on its side in the debris, calls for attention. Rowena answers, and the skull says, "Will you be my friend?" She says yes and picks it up. "Cool, then you can defeat Ursiel by hitting him in the left hip," says the skull helpfully.
Rowena cuts at Ursiel's left hip. A coin rolls out of the wound, and at once Ursiel shrinks back into a badly dead Charles Nomen. Chuck picks up the coin between two books, careful not to touch it.
The burning roof (you can't shoot a flamethrower hardly anyplace these days, seems like) collapses. Chuck, Rowena and Tim go out a window onto the garage roof.
Jeb reconfigures his flamethrower into a bomb and shoves it at the bad guys. Lana bolts from the house with truly inspired speed, dragging Jeb along.
When the house explodes, no one at ground level is hurt; Rowena and Tim fell over, and Chuck hasn't jumped yet. The house explodes from bottom to top, so Chuck still has a moment to let himself down.
Tim takes charge of the crime scene (not sure of the details, but there was at least one crime here) and advises the kids to scat. They talk to the skull, whose name is Bob, and eventually come back to the jail with Ursiel's coin and the coin from Mr. Arbuthnot, the tentacle lawyer. It's an overlooked legal specialty. They throw the coins into the Hellmouth, and everything's fine ...
or is it?
Nomen is tackled by Chuck on his doorstep, but throws him off with maniacal force. He rushes up to his bedroom on the secondfloor of his Pistolville house. Chuck busts down the bedroom door, which explodes in his face in a rush of wind and a thunderclap of noise. It's not a bomb, which is often compared to indoor thunder; it's an actual thunderclap with a massive blast of wind.
Chuck and Rowena are thrown into the other side of the house. Nomen shouts "ignificas!" and throws fire at Chuck, who is slightly set on fire but gets it put out. Nomen then animates the wiring in the walls and has it curl towards Chuck and Rowena, sparking eagerly. The magic words for this are "incarnis copore cupricum," in case that ever comes in handy around the house.
Chuck and Rowena get up on a chair. Chuck throws some ink on the wires, which make an inky puff of smoke. But then, Tim calls "fire in the hole" from below and throws a flashbang into Nomen's room. Nomen is stunned, but Chuck and Rowena aren't, and rush him.
Meanwhile, Lana has located Nomen's office on the first floor and is covering the back exit. A shed bursts open and four more bald guys with sewn-shut eyes rush into the house. Or rather, they try to. Lana slams the door in their faces and locks it; they hammer with their fists and shoulders. That should hold them a while. Lana looks around for weapons; their new freshman friend Milton has armed himself with a fireplace poker and shovel, but Lana spots a samurai sword. She scoops that up.
Chuck topples over a bookcase onto the stunned Nomen. The skull on the bookcase says, "Whoa! Watch out for the skull, fella!" which is odd behavior for a skull. Nomen is stunned, but bursts up from the bookcase, green eyes glowing on his forehead. He has begun to transform into a stubby-legged bearish demon form.
Chuck therefore drags over an even bigger bookcase and drops it on Nomen! By the time he's torn his way out of this new obstruction, Nomen has fully transformed into a demonic bear with curving golden claws. The demon yells at Nomen, telling him what to do, but Nomen's out of it. The demon snarls and declares its intention to deal with this himself, and punish Nomen for his slackness later.
Jeb shows up, having built a gasoline-powered flame thrower. Yes, I know that's a bad idea. He hoses Nomen with flames, getting right up in his face. The demon howls, badly burned, but swipes the side of Jeb's head. A whole ear comes off. Jeb hangs on grimly, roasting the demon from the neck down.
Rowena slashes the demon, and Tim shoots it, but it won't go down. Chuck pokes its burning green eye, which really ticks it off, then Chuck wraps Jeb's head in gauze. Jeb ain't runnin'. He does rush downstairs, but that's not runnin' away, that's attackin' somewhere else. Dammit.
The bald guys have broken in! Lana swipes at one guy's head, taking it clean off his shoulders. The sword gleams with silver light, washing away all the shadows and making the bad guys blink, even though they have no eyes. It's really quite beautiful.
Milton pokes another guy in the forehead, where Nomen's green glowing eye resides. Nomen, upstairs, howls. He felt that!
The skull, lying on its side in the debris, calls for attention. Rowena answers, and the skull says, "Will you be my friend?" She says yes and picks it up. "Cool, then you can defeat Ursiel by hitting him in the left hip," says the skull helpfully.
Rowena cuts at Ursiel's left hip. A coin rolls out of the wound, and at once Ursiel shrinks back into a badly dead Charles Nomen. Chuck picks up the coin between two books, careful not to touch it.
The burning roof (you can't shoot a flamethrower hardly anyplace these days, seems like) collapses. Chuck, Rowena and Tim go out a window onto the garage roof.
Jeb reconfigures his flamethrower into a bomb and shoves it at the bad guys. Lana bolts from the house with truly inspired speed, dragging Jeb along.
When the house explodes, no one at ground level is hurt; Rowena and Tim fell over, and Chuck hasn't jumped yet. The house explodes from bottom to top, so Chuck still has a moment to let himself down.
Tim takes charge of the crime scene (not sure of the details, but there was at least one crime here) and advises the kids to scat. They talk to the skull, whose name is Bob, and eventually come back to the jail with Ursiel's coin and the coin from Mr. Arbuthnot, the tentacle lawyer. It's an overlooked legal specialty. They throw the coins into the Hellmouth, and everything's fine ...
or is it?
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Episode 21: Freshmen in the Hellmouth
Several new families move to Sparta, Tennessee, the most haunted city in America, for reasons that must have been extraordinarily convincing. Their hapless high school age children are, like it or not, enrolled in the Blackcourt School for Young Gentlemen, which despite its name, does accept young ladies.
LANA OLSEN is an aspiring reporter. She has a nose for news and a knack for spotting lies.
JEB STEWART has lived in Sparta for a few years, but hails from Harlan County, so Sparta's kind of the big city. Jeb already has a job lined up at Jones Tire and Feed, and has the much-sought-after superpower of Having a Car. When you're 16, it's a big deal.
Blackcourt operates from 4 to 9 am, letting out before the sun peeps over the mountains. This leaves the whole day after school to work or play, although it may gethe a bit tricky going to bed at 7 pm.
Each new student is paired with an ambassador from the upper class (juniors, not nobles), who is to show them around the school and answer their questions.
FRED, the registrar, notes that Lana and Jeb's transcripts do not record their grades in Embroidery, Lapidary, Fencing, or Horsemanship. Lana admits she hasn't ever done these things. So their ambassadors are asked to stay after school a bit and assess their charges' abilities in these vital subjects.
Lana's ambassador is ROWENA MORAN, a slow-spoken girl from the hills. She shows Lana the basics, and Lana picks up swordplay pretty quickly.
Jeb's ambassador is CHUCK BARNES, the quarterback from the now-abandoned Lysander High School. Chuck's lesson doesn't go quite so smoothly; he binds Jeb's worn old blade and breaks it, causing a sharp splinter-edge to pierce Chuck in the shoulder. Rowena applies some moss and linen, and Chuck waves it off. But with his other hand.
Lana and Rowena go to put the swords away and note some blood pooling beneath the equipment room door. Inside are three bald men in turquoise jumpsuits. They turn to face the girls and reveal that all three have their eyes sewn shut!
The men have been interrupted in the process of snapping the school's fencing foils, one after another.
Rowena drops her saber and pulls another, real, saber from a leather tube over her back. One of the bald men gasps, "You can see us?" and throws his saber at Lana. She parries.
Rowena slashes one fellow across the neck, downing him. The one behind him lunges, but ANDREW CHAYKIN throws an axe at his head.
Chuck pulls the "School Under Attack" alarm, which stands right next to the disused fire bell.
The third guy grabs a foil and squeezes the safety tip flat, rendering it sharp, sort of. Chuck rams him into the wall, gets a knee in the thigh, and headbutts him into unconsciousness. Then the unconscious head raises up, and a third, burning green, eye opens in its forehead. Chuck pokes it with his finger and the eye groans. The guy crumples, then crumples further, his flesh transforming into melting green liquid.
The guy with the axe in his head stands up, pulls the axe out of his head, and attacks Rowena with it. Jeb grabs him from behind to choke him out as Rowena cuts him across the belly. He goes down.
At this point, Fred bursts in, holding two curved swords at the ready. The blood of the bald guys is already turning into translucent green goo.
Chuck examines the remaining swords. One is much heavier than the others, and has been painted to look like battered old steel, when in reality it is very shiny and very sharp. Chuck hands it to Jeb to examine. Jeb finds the bell of the sword is glued in place; the actual crosspiece has been sawed off short, and the handle is black iron culminating in a narrow wedge nailed into the steel of the blade. It's the strangest blade Jeb ever saw.
MR. SCHMIDT, the fencing instructor, is found hung in the rafters. He's been hit on the head and is delirious, ranting about Panzers and swearing his loyalty to the Fuhrer. Rowena takes him to the Headmaster's Office.
Headmaster SIR ANDREW makes a fuss about not spilling a drop of Schmidt's precious, precious blood. He and Fred privately discuss whether they need to "make a notation in the new students' permanent record," whatever that means, but decide it will be fine as long as their ambassadors watch them closely.
Fred gets Schmidt's attention and focuses him by staring forcefully into his eyes. At this moment, Jeb asks about the odd sword. Schmidt says it is made to destroy evil; if used with evil intent, the sword will be destroyed instead. Schmidt was hiding the sword in plain sight, waiting for someone to come looking for it so he could demand a ransom.
The group goes to the Jail to report the incident. Jeb leaves the sword in his truck.
DEPUTY ANDY and SHERIFF EAGLETON do not impress Jeb with their quickness of wit. They do, however, prepare to take evidence from the crime scene at the school. Then Sheriff Eagleton hears screams from outside, and rushes out. No one else heard a thing.
Three more bald guys in turquoise jumpsuits are writhing next to Jeb's truck. The sun has just risen, and apparently they really don't like it. One of them brandishes a stick of dynamite; Rowena tasers him and he drops it. Chuck grabs the dynamite and Jeb clobbers the guy. The guy opens a third green eye on his forehead, saying "Gaze into the Eye of Doom and despair!" and Jeb, although resisting with all his stubbornness, finds himself running in terror. Someone clocks the green eye again, and he passes out, but doesn't melt into goo like the last one.
While the bald guys are processed, Chuck leads them to the library. The temporary library is beneath City Hall, a grand white marble edifice with statues of Justice, Liberty, Prosperity and Courage. They hear Mayor AL SIBLEY threatening to cut a guy into pieces so small he can slide them under a screen door. Sibley switches to feline jocularity when he sees them.
Chuck explains, helpfully, after Sibley has gone, that Sibley is in fact Alcibiades. The Town Jail sits above a portal to Hell, from which things sometimes escape. It happens.
Chuck finds mention of many demons who see through their servants' foreheads using green glowing eyes. There are about thirty of them.
Lana finds that the demon in question is named URSIEL, that his spirit is bound into a material object which sorcerors can use to contact him, and that his gaze inspires terror and sours wine.
BUCK CRAWFORD descends into the library. Chuck introduces him as the fourth member of the Sparta Junior Deputy program, never formally charged with any crime. Jeb quizzes Buck on firearms laws, which have many surprising loopholes.
Some of the cards in the previous, evil, librarian's card catalog are missing from the section on controlling and combatting demons. Rowena suggests taking fingerprints of the cards near the missing ones.
The junior deputies take the cards back to the Jail. DEPUTY TIM, the third member of the force, is now there. He runs the cards through a scanner, categorizes them as terrorism suspects, and lo and behold, the prints belong to CHARLES NOMEN, the lawyer for Black Pike Mining, which is opening a new mineshaft in town. The three bald prisoners are Black Pike employees, but listed as being in Minnesota and Oregon.
A scream from the jail block brings everyone running. The prisoners' lawyer, a MR. ARBUTHNOT, has opened his jacket to reveal masses of writhing purplish-gray tentacles which grab and squeeze the prisoners. He is reaching through the spaces between the bars, so Chuck tells Jeb to open the cell doors using the override lever. The cell door slides open, slicing all the tentacles off in a spray of brown, salty-smelling blood.
Chuck rebukes Ursiel, telling him Sparta has faced and beaten far worse than he. The lawyer produces more tentacles and tries to stop Chuck's hurtful words by folding Chuck into a pretzel. But Tim shoots him in the head (not Chuck, but the lawyer) and Rowena almost stabs him in the heart. The lawyer drops, his motion to continue breathing denied.
Tim concludes that the law needs to talk to Mr. Charles Nomen, whose employee just killed some of his other employees and assaulted an officer of the law and his young charges. He packs his holsters with guns and sets out, followed by the junior deputies, for Nomen's office two terror-filled city blocks away ... and it's barely even noon.
LANA OLSEN is an aspiring reporter. She has a nose for news and a knack for spotting lies.
JEB STEWART has lived in Sparta for a few years, but hails from Harlan County, so Sparta's kind of the big city. Jeb already has a job lined up at Jones Tire and Feed, and has the much-sought-after superpower of Having a Car. When you're 16, it's a big deal.
Blackcourt operates from 4 to 9 am, letting out before the sun peeps over the mountains. This leaves the whole day after school to work or play, although it may gethe a bit tricky going to bed at 7 pm.
Each new student is paired with an ambassador from the upper class (juniors, not nobles), who is to show them around the school and answer their questions.
FRED, the registrar, notes that Lana and Jeb's transcripts do not record their grades in Embroidery, Lapidary, Fencing, or Horsemanship. Lana admits she hasn't ever done these things. So their ambassadors are asked to stay after school a bit and assess their charges' abilities in these vital subjects.
Lana's ambassador is ROWENA MORAN, a slow-spoken girl from the hills. She shows Lana the basics, and Lana picks up swordplay pretty quickly.
Jeb's ambassador is CHUCK BARNES, the quarterback from the now-abandoned Lysander High School. Chuck's lesson doesn't go quite so smoothly; he binds Jeb's worn old blade and breaks it, causing a sharp splinter-edge to pierce Chuck in the shoulder. Rowena applies some moss and linen, and Chuck waves it off. But with his other hand.
Lana and Rowena go to put the swords away and note some blood pooling beneath the equipment room door. Inside are three bald men in turquoise jumpsuits. They turn to face the girls and reveal that all three have their eyes sewn shut!
The men have been interrupted in the process of snapping the school's fencing foils, one after another.
Rowena drops her saber and pulls another, real, saber from a leather tube over her back. One of the bald men gasps, "You can see us?" and throws his saber at Lana. She parries.
Rowena slashes one fellow across the neck, downing him. The one behind him lunges, but ANDREW CHAYKIN throws an axe at his head.
Chuck pulls the "School Under Attack" alarm, which stands right next to the disused fire bell.
The third guy grabs a foil and squeezes the safety tip flat, rendering it sharp, sort of. Chuck rams him into the wall, gets a knee in the thigh, and headbutts him into unconsciousness. Then the unconscious head raises up, and a third, burning green, eye opens in its forehead. Chuck pokes it with his finger and the eye groans. The guy crumples, then crumples further, his flesh transforming into melting green liquid.
The guy with the axe in his head stands up, pulls the axe out of his head, and attacks Rowena with it. Jeb grabs him from behind to choke him out as Rowena cuts him across the belly. He goes down.
At this point, Fred bursts in, holding two curved swords at the ready. The blood of the bald guys is already turning into translucent green goo.
Chuck examines the remaining swords. One is much heavier than the others, and has been painted to look like battered old steel, when in reality it is very shiny and very sharp. Chuck hands it to Jeb to examine. Jeb finds the bell of the sword is glued in place; the actual crosspiece has been sawed off short, and the handle is black iron culminating in a narrow wedge nailed into the steel of the blade. It's the strangest blade Jeb ever saw.
MR. SCHMIDT, the fencing instructor, is found hung in the rafters. He's been hit on the head and is delirious, ranting about Panzers and swearing his loyalty to the Fuhrer. Rowena takes him to the Headmaster's Office.
Headmaster SIR ANDREW makes a fuss about not spilling a drop of Schmidt's precious, precious blood. He and Fred privately discuss whether they need to "make a notation in the new students' permanent record," whatever that means, but decide it will be fine as long as their ambassadors watch them closely.
Fred gets Schmidt's attention and focuses him by staring forcefully into his eyes. At this moment, Jeb asks about the odd sword. Schmidt says it is made to destroy evil; if used with evil intent, the sword will be destroyed instead. Schmidt was hiding the sword in plain sight, waiting for someone to come looking for it so he could demand a ransom.
The group goes to the Jail to report the incident. Jeb leaves the sword in his truck.
DEPUTY ANDY and SHERIFF EAGLETON do not impress Jeb with their quickness of wit. They do, however, prepare to take evidence from the crime scene at the school. Then Sheriff Eagleton hears screams from outside, and rushes out. No one else heard a thing.
Three more bald guys in turquoise jumpsuits are writhing next to Jeb's truck. The sun has just risen, and apparently they really don't like it. One of them brandishes a stick of dynamite; Rowena tasers him and he drops it. Chuck grabs the dynamite and Jeb clobbers the guy. The guy opens a third green eye on his forehead, saying "Gaze into the Eye of Doom and despair!" and Jeb, although resisting with all his stubbornness, finds himself running in terror. Someone clocks the green eye again, and he passes out, but doesn't melt into goo like the last one.
While the bald guys are processed, Chuck leads them to the library. The temporary library is beneath City Hall, a grand white marble edifice with statues of Justice, Liberty, Prosperity and Courage. They hear Mayor AL SIBLEY threatening to cut a guy into pieces so small he can slide them under a screen door. Sibley switches to feline jocularity when he sees them.
Chuck explains, helpfully, after Sibley has gone, that Sibley is in fact Alcibiades. The Town Jail sits above a portal to Hell, from which things sometimes escape. It happens.
Chuck finds mention of many demons who see through their servants' foreheads using green glowing eyes. There are about thirty of them.
Lana finds that the demon in question is named URSIEL, that his spirit is bound into a material object which sorcerors can use to contact him, and that his gaze inspires terror and sours wine.
BUCK CRAWFORD descends into the library. Chuck introduces him as the fourth member of the Sparta Junior Deputy program, never formally charged with any crime. Jeb quizzes Buck on firearms laws, which have many surprising loopholes.
Some of the cards in the previous, evil, librarian's card catalog are missing from the section on controlling and combatting demons. Rowena suggests taking fingerprints of the cards near the missing ones.
The junior deputies take the cards back to the Jail. DEPUTY TIM, the third member of the force, is now there. He runs the cards through a scanner, categorizes them as terrorism suspects, and lo and behold, the prints belong to CHARLES NOMEN, the lawyer for Black Pike Mining, which is opening a new mineshaft in town. The three bald prisoners are Black Pike employees, but listed as being in Minnesota and Oregon.
A scream from the jail block brings everyone running. The prisoners' lawyer, a MR. ARBUTHNOT, has opened his jacket to reveal masses of writhing purplish-gray tentacles which grab and squeeze the prisoners. He is reaching through the spaces between the bars, so Chuck tells Jeb to open the cell doors using the override lever. The cell door slides open, slicing all the tentacles off in a spray of brown, salty-smelling blood.
Chuck rebukes Ursiel, telling him Sparta has faced and beaten far worse than he. The lawyer produces more tentacles and tries to stop Chuck's hurtful words by folding Chuck into a pretzel. But Tim shoots him in the head (not Chuck, but the lawyer) and Rowena almost stabs him in the heart. The lawyer drops, his motion to continue breathing denied.
Tim concludes that the law needs to talk to Mr. Charles Nomen, whose employee just killed some of his other employees and assaulted an officer of the law and his young charges. He packs his holsters with guns and sets out, followed by the junior deputies, for Nomen's office two terror-filled city blocks away ... and it's barely even noon.
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